What’s the point?

What’s the point what’s the point? I’m gunna get it all out and won’t feel any better. What’s the point what’s the point I’m gunna tell someone and they’re just gunna forget the next day. What’s the point what’s the point? I’m never gunna smile again and when I do I won’t mean it. What’s the point what’s the point? When I take my own life and they ask for next of kin all that would be said is what’s the point what’s the point…..I never had children never raised a family never got a wedding or to feel the joy of being loved never got to hear I love you and it be genuine and true so what’s the point in going on? The point? It use to be you but now I guess our hearts have changed well mine is still the same..its broken and its been crying because the body it lives in is now dying there’s no bringing it back as a matter of fact…this…was…its…last….b r e a t h…….

Its been a while

Its been a while since I’ve heard the words ‘I love you’ and really felt like they meant something, people say it when they’re under the influence or when you do things to make them happy. One day for all of our sakes people will know what love is and how it should be treated. Its been a while since I’ve felt that cold tingle through my body begging for a hug, a kiss, the warmth of another being close enough to mine to make me melt. Its been a while since I’ve looked myself in the mirror and said damn girl you have come so far. Its been a while since I’ve said I love myself even when others don’t. Maybe its time to change it maybe its time to rearrange it and bring it all back, to make thinks feel whole and complete. One day everything will be perfect but until that day comes ill be my encouragement ill keep striving for excellence until I reach it and when someone tries to breach it ill push them away. This is my time to shine my time to succeed and you can all go drown in your greed. Imma make it cause honestly its been a while.

Real talk 2

"I’m not afraid of death I think I’m more afraid of trying, I’m looking in the mirror I think my soul is dying. I’ve been lying to myself I make it look too easy But when I see the blood it always makes me queezy, I’m not a saint I’m a sinner but the love of God makes me a winner. I fight everyday to survive I live for Those who aren’t alive. I pray before I sleep my soul is HIS to keep I know I haven’t been perfect and the struggles may be worth it and maybe I see it now. Makes me wonder how I ever missed it damn I’m glad I never quit when times got hard I tried even when the love died I gave it my all stood up after every fall They say you can only walk once you learn to crawl’

Real talk

I could say it a thousand times, and I could write it in a million rhymes just so that it would get through just know that its not new this hatred is real and its something I feel on a daily. I could sit you all down and try to make you understand the pain it causes the physical, emotional the mental hurt I feel and to prove to you this pain is real Ill let you see me cry, hell all I’m asking is that you try, try to understand shit isn’t easy for me, things aren’t always as great as they could be. I’m telling you one day I’m going to write a book and maybe if you take a look you can read it as it flows from my heart, my soul every part of me, could be, would be torn apart and once you start you won’t put it down. Its scary, its exciting it will show you that I’ve felt real love the relationships the drama the hurt the tears I’d tell you about all my fears of finding happiness and making things last you’ll see all the pain of my past, I’m not scared nope I’m not afraid. I want to let people in I want people to know my story. In hopes of helping someone else, cope with the loss, and cope with the pain those years I thought I would go insane I’d share them all if you were willing to read them. But you aren’t ready no one will ever be so ill just hold ALL these feelings inside of me

Ju ju

you dont see me no you wont see me, you’ve never seen me and ive been standing here, looking at you waiting for you to realize that ive been here, just turn around and look at me and maybe then you can see, that all who’ve hurt you and who’ve left you alone and afraid, they were never really good for you. But ive been waiting and ill stay waiting until you see me and let me in.

as I was staring through that glass window I thought I saw your face and I was scared, it can’t be you it can’t be true you said you NEVER wanted to see me again, that you hated me so much I had hurt you so bad that you could never forgive me, we had been together my whole life, you were the person I was ALWAYS supposed to love and you love me in return, but when I put someone else before you I became someone neither Of us recognized, someone that neither of us loved anymore, but I DO I DO love you I will ALWAYS love you, you are my reflection my friend ill be there for you in the end because we are ONE you are me and I am you and I LOVE US!!!!!!

I had a dream but it doesn’t even matter what it meant, cause I woke up and everything was still the same!! I kept hearing myself screaming and shouting but no one could hear me I was alone, afraid and all I wanted was my mom, and then…I opened my eyes and I was still alive so I’m content in my real life nightmare ill stay awake and neva close my eyes and ill strive to survive in my darkness we are ALONE

I cant

I write down my words and I draw out my feelings I get on my knees and I pray for God’s healings. I ask for forgiveness in all that I do. I ask him to cleanse me and wash me a new, I sit and I talk about all I’ve done wrong, I lay here and listen to all the great songs they talk about love, laughter, and joy, about a girl whose in love with a boy. I sit and I think where did I go wrong? I sit and I think I can’t relate to this song! I can help who I am and who I become I can change I can make things right, but I can’t deal with the internal fight, sleeping at night knowing something’s not right. This is who I am its what I do its who I’ve become and who I want to be and I pray that God stays with me through the tough and through the rough don’t give up on me just yet!!!!!

No one will ever understand this pain that I feel, my body so numb that it doesn’t feel real, the tears that I cry they fall like broken glass, all these years and I’m still acting like an ass, I never meant to disappoint you or forget about your life, I never meant to hurt your kids or your grieving wife, I was only trying to handle my loss in my own way, I tried to take my own life every god damn day. Everytime I did I saw your smiling face, telling me it wasn’t bad but I knew that it was sad how could someone whose life you made better even think of writing that suicide letter? It was hard and no lie I was scared but the thought of not having you was something I couldn’t bare, I didn’t wanna make it and so I tried to fake it put a smile on my face and carry myself with grace but it didn’t work the pain was too much to carry especially on that day that u were buried. I’m telling you today feels just the same I’m hurting so bad its a fucking shame you were my brother my friend the father I never had that’s why on this day I’m fucking mad, I don’t sEe why u had to leave me I’m constantly asking why sometimes I wish God would answer my fucking prayers and just let me fucking die!!!